Christian PoV: Dear Captain Steele…

~ Tara Nichole

070503-f-0578m-220

FOB Sykes

APO AE 09351

Attention: Captain Raymond Steele

 

Dear Captain Steele,

You don’t know me, but I am in love with your daughter. Believe me, that’s not the way I’ve always imagined I’d introduce myself to you, which is actually something I’ve thought a lot about. I wanted to take you and Ana out to dinner or maybe even something more extravagant. A vacation, where you could relax after your long years of service, have some much needed time with Ana, and you and I could get to know each other over several days so that I could show you just how much your daughter means to me. But Ana’s pregnant now, and she couldn’t bear to keep that from you. Much in the same way I can’t bear to see her so upset over the argument the two of you had over Thanksgiving. So, I think it’s better that I reach out to you personally and try to show you who I am so you might have more faith in the love your daughter spoke about over the phone, in spite of all the secrecy.

My name is Christian Grey. I would tell you that I was raised in Seattle, but even that has its own complicated history. At the age of four, I moved to Bellevue and have lived here ever since with my mother and father, my brother, and my little sister. My mother you know, Dr. Grace Trevelyan-Grey, and my brother Elliot. My father, Carrick, is a retired defense lawyer, who is currently battling cancer, and my little sister, Mia, is still in high school. Of course, I’m sure none of that really matters to you, but I tell you because at one time, it didn’t matter much to me either.

That is the first impact your daughter has made on me.

For most of my life, I haven’t been much for family. My mother, father, brother, and sister were all a part of my life, but more out of habit than desire. I was always distant with them, I think because I knew once I was out on my own, I wouldn’t have much to do with them at all. In high school I stayed away from them, or locked myself away in my room as much as I was able. I kept secrets from them. I lived a life they knew nothing about. In college, I wouldn’t come home unless I was forced to. I felt better being alone. I never envisioned myself as the type of man who would find a wife and would start a family. Then, on my second day at Harvard University, I met your daughter, and my life changed forever.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw her. She’s so beautiful, she had me immediately enraptured. She probably had me then, at first sight, and I would have been content to simply love her for her beauty. But then I got to know her, and I discovered that she was so much more than physically stunning. Her soul is somehow, impossibly, even more beautiful. Anastasia is warm and wholly good. When I first spoke to her there was an alluring quality to her voice that drew me in like nothing ever had before. At first I tried to ignore her, because I didn’t want to let her into my life to ruin all of the things I had planned for my future. I think I knew subconsciously that she could derail me, and at that time in my life I was so focused on business and success that I couldn’t allow anything to distract me from that. But, I couldn’t ever stop thinking about her.

Since the day she ran into me on the third floor of Grays Hall in 2007, she has occupied every single thought I’ve had. It would have been easier if I kept distance between us, I think, if I was ever going to resist her charms, but I couldn’t stand not talking to her or not being around her. She’s intelligent, and talking with her and hearing her ideas and seeing her perspective of the world was both refreshing and mesmerising. She’s the perfect blend of determination and innocence. Eternal optimism. For as long as I can remember I’ve been a cynic. Never once did I believe there was goodness in humanity, but through her eyes I could see people and their actions in a whole new light. It was freeing in a way, and I almost became addicted to the levity and happiness I felt being in her presence. She has an aura around her that is nearly divine in its warmth. So, I stopped trying to avoid her. Truth be told, I never really wanted to in the first place.

As I became her friend, it was obvious very quickly that friendship would never be enough. I fell for her hard and fast. I’m nearly convinced there hasn’t been a day I’ve known her that I haven’t loved her. When I began courting her I brought her home to Seattle, on a break she would have spent alone in Cambridge, to meet my family. I asked her on a few dates at school, I tried to dote on her and give her gifts I knew she would never be able to afford herself, but none of it worked. Your daughter is very self-aware. She knows what she wants and who she is, and she never compromises that. It’s something I respect very much about her, and it only made her all the more alluring. So, I pursued her harder. I went to visit her in Vegas while she was staying with her mother over Christmas that year, but it wasn’t until I let myself be open with her and confessed how much I wanted her in my life that she finally returned my feelings.

That was New Years Eve, 2007, and I can trace everything that has made me the man I am today to that one night. All to Anastasia’s enormous ability to love. She cares so much for the people around her and she’s both fiercely protective and absolutely loyal to those she loves. Where I always tried to pull away from my family, she led me back to them. She helped me accept and move on from some of the difficult things in my past that made me cold, jaded, and sometimes hateful.

That’s the second impact your daughter has had on me.

She’s taught me how to love, and that love can be safe, even though it never had been safe before. She’s showed me how to look for the goodness in others and helped me reconnect with the people who are the most important to me. She’s made me a better man. I am better for everyday that I have loved her, and I’m not only grateful for that, but it makes me love her all the more. I cannot understate that, Captain Steele. I am truly, and wholly in love with Anastasia.

I told you before that I never envisioned myself as a family man. Now, with your daughter in my life, it’s all I want. I want to build a home and a life with her. I want every moment of my future to be with and for her. I want to create traditions with her that we can pass down through our child. I want to show her the world, and provide for her and our family, and make sure that she experiences happiness every single day for the rest of her life. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her, no sacrifice that could be too great. Put simply, she means more to me than anything else in the entire world. Even my own life.

I’ve tried before and failed to express in writing just how much I truly love her, but what I can promise to you is that I will never hurt her. I will never betray her. I will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I will support her and all of her ambitions and dreams. I will respect her. I will care for her and protect her. Most importantly, I will love her. More and more each day. She is the love of my life, and I will never give her, or you, reason to doubt my absolute commitment to her and to our family.

On that I give you my word as a man.

I’m sorry that you found out about me and the baby the way you did. I imagine you must have felt completely blindsided and I hope that you know Anastasia wasn’t being malicious, keeping you in the dark. She talks about you often and I know very well how important you are to her. Her silence was because of me. Because I have made mistakes in our relationship that made her not want to share what we had with you for fear of causing you pain by reading of hers. I’ve owned those mistakes, and I will spend the rest of my life proving to her that I will never make them again. You’ve raised a strong, intelligent, kind, caring, wonderful woman who would never do anything to intentionally hurt the father she loves. She loves you Captain Steele, absolutely. I hope you’ll remember that when you call again this Christmas. Don’t let the sour feelings this revelation has given you affect any of the love the two of you share. You mean far too much to her for her to feel as though she’s disappointed you in anyway. She won’t handle that well. She’s not now. She was devastated after you hung up the phone on Thanksgiving and it’s painful for me to see her suffer in anyway, especially when I can’t do anything to help her. Although, I hope I can. That’s why I’m writing you now.

If you must be angry, I am the one you should be angry with. I am the one who deserves the blame. I will happily take responsibility for the way this has panned out if it means that the two of you can move on and spend the last few months of your deployment focusing on all of the good in the special bond you share. It’s that important to her, and she is that important to me. You’ll soon be a grandfather, and I know that Ana can’t wait to introduce you to our child. Much in the way she can’t wait for you to finally be home. She misses you. She loves you, and her love is a gift that should never be taken for granted. I know, I cherish it daily.

I greatly look forward to meeting you in person, Captain Steele, and I hope the remainder of your deployment is quick and safe.

 

Sincerely,

Christian Trevelyan-Grey

Next Chapter

28 thoughts on “Christian PoV: Dear Captain Steele…”

  1. Was this supposed to make me cry? OMG, it was so sweet. I’ve cried off my mascara here at work😢😭😂😂 Great POV.

    Will we have Gia’s POV from Christmas morning when Christian & Ana announced they were married, or her POV while Ana was opening baby shower gifts at her house and Kate hugged Christian after finding out Callie would have her middle name? You are an amazing writer😊

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  2. That was amazing! His love for Ana is so unbelievably strong. I feel bad now for doubting him and Gia when they were working out.

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  3. Dios! Esa carta fue impresionante.
    Christian ama de una manera tan increíble a Anastasia y en esa carta a Ray dejo en claro todos sus
    sentimientos. Muy emotivo

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  4. Oh damn Tara was your intention to make me cry today. This was so beautiful and vulnerable on Christian’s behalf. He spilled a lot about himself without going into details while professing his love towards Ana. Simply well written and beautiful!

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      1. Yes, but that excellent penmenship may have well gone against him this time. After all, he ADMITS that it is HIMSELF that Ray should be angry with, not Ana. YET HE DOESN’T go into details about just WHAT it is he did wrong. He admits he made mistakes. AND that those mistakes caused grave harm. If I was Ray, there would be JUST as much to WORRY me in this letter as comfort me. In fact, I think there would actually be MORE to worry about in what Christian glossed over.

        Still, it HAD to have meant something to see that CHristian took A LOT of time to write his thoughts down. BUT it also shows a little of that Christian Grey arrogance as well, that JUST his letter could somehow persuade Ray more than a lifetime of knowing his OWN daughter. If I were Ray, I would think that this letter comes from an affluent young man used to getting his ways and hurting others to get his own way that just believes a LETTER can make everything okay. Ray would KNOW that Ana’s SILENCE for so long MEANT SOMETHING. And that a BREAK-UP and RECONCILIATION was followed quickly by a child on the way, which Christian might have intended to make someone like Ana feel she HAD to stay with him longterm for the child’s sake.

        So my bet is the penmenship might actually have gone against Christian. Or at the very least, given him some potential focus for worry. NOW I GET why Ray acted the way he did when he FIRST met Christian. AFTER ALL, Ana had just gotten ATTACKED as a result of a threat against Christian, AND seemed to lack freedom and choice in what she could do AND where she could go. ALL that AFFLUENCE concerns would have been front and center AND CONCERN with what Christian chose to VALUE (i.e. money).

        Yep, Tara, you NOW make me want Outtakes from Ray regarding the letter, hearing of Ana’s attack, AND then hearing that Christian managed to bribe or “arrange” his early release from the armed forces. ALL that, taken with the letter, probably had Ray at Defcon 1 by the time he actually MET Christian! (AND THEN you have CARLA’S words to him. . . .)

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  6. Such a respectful approach with the letter and how much Christian loves Ana to do that, all for her. His outpouring of love for Ana is admirable and simply the very best. He loves Ana so much. This is beautifully written, every word, the highest accord of love, from Christian to Ana, just to let Ray know. And it is you who have excellent penmanship! Thank you, Tara, for another treasured outtake. Melts and makes me cry, so touching. Xoxo daytona

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  7. I loved the letter and hope that Ray someday shows it to Ana. It would mean so much to her to see what Christian wrote about her and their love.

    But finally getting a chance to know Ray in this particular book lets you see how this letter, while showing Christian’s PASSION for Anastasia COULD be the very thing to set off Ray’s alarm bells. After all, Christian is a rich man would always have temptations, AND THE LETTER ITSELF presents the image of a young Christian that deliberately distanced himself from others. Such a figure would be naturally prone to be selfish. ADD to that the fact that Christian’s whole world exudes domination and possession of companies AND people, and any father with any sense WOULD worry.

    AND, knowing what we know about Ray, you can see how this very letter would actually work AGAINST Christian (ESPECIALLY once Carla set to work on Ray, “confirming” his suspicions). Christian was trying to persuade Ray of his love for Ana, but he obviously leaves out what caused the two to break-up in the first place, how hard that break-up was for Ana and how long it lasted. And even what brought them back together and the hardships that DID come to Ana as a result (such as nearly being booted out of Harvard). When twisted by Carla’s words, you see HOW MANY sacrifices Ana HAS had to make in having the world continuously looking in her direction AND evaluating her morals, given that she worked for CHristian at the time they got back together. (AND we all KNOW that was what Christian really DID intend to happen—he always knew if he could just get Ana around him to remember how good they had it, he could get her back.)

    ANd Christian could seemingly risk his family and KNOWINGLY hurting EVERYONE who loves him JUST for start-up money for his company. I mean, once Ray hears THAT detail, ESPECIALLY that said money came from Christian’s ex-lover who he had been with since age 15, YOU GET why Ray was concerned that Christian would only be about what HE really wanted, which was possessing Ana.

    So you get WHY Christian had to leave out THOSE DETAILS regarding the trial and its aftermath. After all, that would NEVER persuade Ray to trust his daughter with Christian! I mean, Ray was just getting to hear about him for the first time AND adjust to the fact that his little girl was pregnant BEFORE getting married, finishing college or even getting engaged! (ALTHOUGH let’s face it—Ray KNEW Ana came home with Christian for her first Thanksgiving break. While girls and guys are often good friends this day and age, Ray HAD to know enough about his daughter to KNOW that this meant something, and even ANA had planned to get involved with Christian following his telling Elena that they were ended.)

    And Ray couldn’t hope for Ana to ignore boys forever, even though she was committed to her studies and her degree. BUT THE DETAILS would be what Ray would refuse to ignore, ESPECIALLY since this is his little girl.

    AND THE LETTER ADMITS that the break-up was Christian’s FAULT. AND Christian basically ELUDES to the fact that HE did something reprehensible. AND THAT the something he did would KNOWINGLY and expectedly HURT ANA in the process. What father would NOT ignore that? What father would not question WHAT IT WAS that Christian did to alienate himself from those that loved him, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT CHRISTIAN admits to basically being selfish and keeping himself apart intentionally from his family for most of his life?

    I think Christian should have explained a little of his ABUSIVE BACKGROUND so that Ray would know WHY Christian intentionally set himself apart from his family and others. IT EXPLAINS why it was so HARD for Christian to trust others, even Ana, when it came to his heart. BY NOT EXPLAINING HIS ABUSIVE AND POOR BACKGROUND, Ray is just LEFT TO FEAR THAT CHRISTIAN is another AFFLUENT young man without REAL VALUES and an appreciation of others.

    So when you look at Christian’s beautiful and lengthy letter, it is what he DOESN’T say and eludes to that WOULD cause some concern in Ray AND cause Ray to WORRY about his AFFLUENT UPBRINGING. AND Ana WAS in substantial pain due to CHRISTIAN’S own ACTIONS, and Christian’s failure to go into WHAT THOSE ACTIONS WERE would obviously sow some doubt in Ray that would bloom into full distrust and suspicion once Carla got ahold of him. I mean, there is SO MUCH Ray doesn’t yet know.

    But again, you get WHY Christian couldn’t put those details in the letter. He needs to try to win Ray over first. AND HE OWNS HIS MISTAKES in the letter. But Ray IS a father, and he will WANT to know what those mistakes were exactly.

    “The details” of the break-up were also still painful to Christian. He lost TWO YEARS with Anastasia because of them. AND the letter lets Ray read through the lines to interpret that Christian was ISOLATED a great deal of his life, even from those he loved. SO YOU COULD SEE why Ray would still worry, ESPECIALLY that CHristian would always choose MONEY AND BUSINESS over Ana and his family.

    But Christian’s NEED to TRY to open up to Ray SHOWS that he UNDERSTANDS HOW MUCH family means to Ana. AND that Christian wants to give her that family, since he took out so much of his time to write the letter.

    But Ray is a worldly man that saw so much in his OWN life with Carla that he naturally is still suspicious, ESPECIALLY as it concerns his daughter. I mean, CHristian could be ALL talk, at this point, as far as Ray knows. AFTER ALL, it is Christian’s BUSINESS to PERSUADE people that he is the BEST thing for their company.

    So I would LOVE to know what RAY thought about after reading this letter. AT THE LEAST, he could see that this person PROFESSED to love his daughter. And that Ana clearly loved him back AND had had some time to BUILD this relationship, EVEN COMING BACK from time apart.

    (But I still think that letter probably worrried Ray as much as it comforted him. I mean, I would worry some rich man was OBSESSED with possessing my daughter and saw this child as a means to get what he wanted. Poor Ray. ESPECIALLY, as I said above, once CARLA added her two cents worth!)

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    1. I think you hit Ray’s reaction to this letter perfectly. It would worry him as much as it would comfort him. I think the important part he (Ray) would take from this letter was to reflect on his own reactions from when he spoke with Ana initially, and realize that he needs to put his anger aside and be there for his little girl.

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      1. AND that was what I actually LOVED the most about Christian’s letter—he finds a RESPECTFUL way to take Ray to task for having hurt Ana by basicaly hanging up on her. Yes, it was a shock, but Christian basically tells him to MAN UP and be the RIGHT kind of father to Ana and be THERE for her. He reminds Ray that it is his DUTY to love and be there for his daughter, ESPECIALLY when she needs him now more than ever. ALL THIS he says BUT in a way that isn’t exactly accusatory, BUT Christian MAKES IT CLEAR that Ana is HURTING because of RAY’s thoughtless actions (although we all kind of got that Ray was in SHOCK by the world having moved on so much while he was gone).

        So I like that Christian can actually FUSS at Ray in this letter WITHOUT it coming across as overly judgmental OR derogatory. Yep, DEFINITELY excellent penmenship! CHRISTIAN says the blame is his AND points out that his daughter is DEVASTATED by the phone conversation. (ALMOST as if Christian is saying that he can take it, but Ana should NOT have to take it!) It is just Christian pointing out what the REAL focus SHOULD be, which is BEING THERE FOR ANA and showing her LOVE, even if you don’t agree with her CHOICES.

        So this letter actually shows that Christian might make a really good FATHER, if he can only take his own advice. (Although seeing how much he LOVES having Calliope around, I TRULY PITY the first boy that looks in the direction of HIS little girl! I think Ray and Christian will find how EXACTLY their interests can align when someone seeks to tempt Calliope to date!)

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      2. Oh, I can see it all now. THAT MOMENT when Ray and Christian, together, plot against poor Calliope’s boyfriend!

        Ray: Now your Taylor knows to threaten, I mean, TALK, to that fella AFTER he eats, not before. We don’t want him to have trouble swallowing. After all, if he doesn’t eat ALL the macaroni, we can’t be sure if he swallowed the tracker. In fact, maybe we should put MORE than one tracker in the macaroni.
        Christian: Done and done. Taylor managed to chase this guy off from his OWN daughter with a few choice words about landmines, etc. outside the home and such. By the by, I think that landmine idea IS golden—I mean, how can you say you REALLY love our little girl if you are not willing to lose a foot or leg for love? At least we would KNOW if he was sneaking around out there. Oh, and are you going to be responsible for the placement of the barbed wire fence around Calliope’s window? It will really need to be artfully placed around those plants. . . .
        Ray: Yes, I specialized with putting up barriers and barbed wire fences abroad. Always knew the skills would come in use, given how stubborn our Calliope is.
        Calliope: MOM, DAD and RAY are trying to armed-forces my relationships again! And they are going to lowjack my boyfriend! MMMMOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

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  8. “Men are never convinced of your reasons, of your sincerity, of the seriousness of your sufferings, except by your death. So long as you are alive, your case is doubtful; you have a right only to their skepticism.”
    ― Albert Camus

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  9. Tara -Simply WOW! I am speechless following my read of today’s Outtake/POV of Christian’s letter to Ana’s Dad. And, it is only on the rarest occasion that I am ever speechless. Your writing of this letter was absolutely amazing. And, I believe I do understand Christian’s reluctance to go into great detail as to his shortcomings, etc. He must have figured it would be better left until they could speak face-to-face as was Christian’s original intention. I can imagine how difficult the letter was for him to write, in the first place, and I applaud him for making such a grand gesture on Anastasia’s behalf. If and when Ray gives it to her to read, she will be astonished, at the very least and, I am certain, most proud of her Christian. I must confess that I am writing this through tear-stained eyes. The letter truly got to me.

    I have not been commenting on your fascinating and informative POV/Outtakes as I have been just enjoying them as informational pieces of several puzzles. (It must be so difficult for you to decide what to put and what not to without it becoming a mini-book of its own) However, it is difficult for me to even put into words the effect Christian’s letter to Ana’s Dad had on me. I cannot stop thinking about it and had to comment on the letter. I realize we all knew of the letter – but, actually reading and understanding Christian’s effort, frame-of-mind and sincerity when he wrote it was earth-shattering considering how hugely private and self-contained is generally his MO. To say the letter is poignant would be a major understatement. I will merely say Thank You for allowing us to be privy to such a game-changer in Christian’s world. He has been, is currently and will remain my ultimate favorite character in all the books. He is actually more real to me that I want to admit.

    Your writing of the stories is superb in so many ways. They captivated me right from the beginning and have held me thusly ever since page one. A dear friend of mine, whose judgment I value to the hilt, introduced me to your books. I was quite fortunate as it meant that, since I was just beginning to read them, I had much to read without the weekly wait. Once I caught up, I inherited the same ‘when will it be Monday and I hope it will be a long chapter, etc.’ that everyone else had been experiencing all along.

    Thank You, again, for your amazing stories, incredible writing and keeping us on the edge of our seats. I am more than delighted that you will be gifting us with yet another forthcoming book. I will remain a member of your ‘weekly-waiting’ devotees.

    Just one more (personal) thing to add and to truly Thank You for, in a very, very big way – Moreover, Christian’s letter invoked countless remarkable memories of the monumental relationship my father and I shared. And, for that, I am immensely grateful to you.

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  11. Christian’s writing ability is excellent and his main reason for communicating to Ray is to let him know how much he hurt Ana when he hung up on her. She waited for that phone call and only caused her disappointment after. Christian loves her so much and it upset him to see Ana’s being sad and hurt after. He made an effort introducing himself and gave him their history although incomplete but a letter is not the means to confess sensitive matters to Ray. There will be other times for other issues to discuss. Christian’s priority now is Ana and their child she is carrying and not to pacify Ray. Just my take on this pov. Thank you, Tara.

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  12. I never want this story to end from your point of view. It is now years since the FSOG books came out and I am now still just as obsessed. LOVE your work.

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  13. Your amazing, you have me go in to a different world and live every word you have put on paper. You inspire people to feel you get lost in your story, I love it.

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      1. I remember one thing my mom always told me, you will never satisfy everyone. You keep writing and let your story be told.

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  15. Wow, just wow!!! That’s a letter that any parent would love to read. To know that your daughter is truly loved and cherished. I’m in tears writing this review. Simply put that was amazing

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  16. By the by, we all know from chapter 36 (I think) that Ray takes Christian to the back of his plane and grills him regarding Elena and his past for the whole time it takes to fly from one coast to the other. Will we get an Outtake of that or will that just be left to the imagination? Ray just tells Ana that Carla actually “left a LOT out” of what she had told him, so I have admittedly always been curious, as it is FINALLY after this conversation that Ray really decides to actually LIKE Christian, as he tells Ana.

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